Thu. Oct 28th, 2021

FoxTrot is a day by day American caricature by cartoonist Bill Amend centering on the day by day lives of the Fox household. Syndicated by Universal Press Syndicate, it started syndication on April 10, 1988, and is now carried by over 1,000 newspapers. Twenty-seven FoxTrot books have additionally been printed and have offered over two million copies thus far.

Sourced[edit]

FoxTrot (1989)[edit]

[while camping]
Peter: I do not suppose it is a good suggestion to convey Paige alongside.
Roger: Nonsense, it will be good for her.
[out on the lake]
Roger: Okay, Paige, let me present you the way to bait a hook…
Paige: THAT’S A WORM!
Roger: Of course it is a worm.
Paige: [rearing back] THERE ARE WORMS IN THE BOAT! AAAAAAAA!
Peter: Paige, sit down! You’re gonna flip the-!
[their canoe flips over, dumping them and all their gear into the water]
Peter: Just for the document…
Roger: Be quiet and assist me flip this factor over.
Paige: NOW THE WORMS ARE IN THE WATER! AAAAAAAA!

Pass The Loot (1990)[edit]

Peter and Paige are at a division retailer. Paige, carrying her traditional blue denims, is swimsuits

Paige: I promise this would possibly not take lengthy, Peter.
Paige goes into dressing room; subsequent panel she walks out, now carrying a one-piece swimsuit and checking herself out within the full-size mirror
Paige: Hey, Peter, what do you suppose?
Peter{offscreen}: Hubba hubba.
Paige: Really? Let me flip round. What about this aspect?
Peter{offscreen}: Va-va-VOOM!
Paige now has an enormous smile
Paige: Aw, Peter, you imply it? That is so candy…
Paige walks over to Peter, who has his nostril buried in a girls’ swimsuit catalog
Paige: …or possibly typical pig conduct.
Peter: Yowza. Wonder if these women additionally mannequin thongs.

Black Bart Says Draw (1991)[edit]

Eight Yards Down And Out (1992)[edit]

Paige: Hurry up, I’m ravenous.
Roger: Hurry up? Paige, lighting a barbecue is an artwork! The last item we need to do is hurry. From the cautious stacking of the coals… to the liberal utility of lighter fluid… to the sleek tossing of the match…
[Explosion of flame.]
Paige: To the close to-routine dialing of 9-1-1…
Roger: That you’ll be able to hurry.

[in Current Affairs]
Ms. Porter: OK, Nicole, I’ve right here a map of the world with the entire nations’ names eliminated. Would you please level out to the category the place Iraq is.
Nicole: Hmmm… effectively, let’s have a look at… if that is America… then Iraq should be right here.
Ms. Porter: [after an incredulous pause] Let’s again as much as that “if”, Nicole.
Nicole: OK, if this is America…

Ms. Porter: Nicole, I discover it actually distressing you can’t even discover your personal nation on this map!
Nicole: All the names are lacking.
Ms. Porter: Go by form.
Nicole: How am I imagined to know what kind of silly form the U.S. is in?!
[another incredulous pause]
Ms. Porter: Interesting selection of phrases.
Nicole: Gimme a touch. Is this Hawaii or Australia?

Nicole: OK, this should be Iraq. Or Cuba.
Ms. Porter: That’s sufficient guessing, Nicole. Please take your seat. Now will somebody please come up right here and appropriately level out the place Iraq is on the map? [Paige raises her hand] Paige?
Paige: [points] It’s in right here someplace.
Ms. Porter: [applauds] Bravo. Did everybody see that?
Nicole: [as Paige takes her seat] How the heck did you know?
Paige: It was the one place you hadn’t tried.
Ms. Porter: [off-panel] OK, this subsequent query is for everybody besides Paige…

Bury My Heart At Fun-Fun Mountain (1993)[edit]

[Peter is in the principal’s office.]
Mr. Krimpshaw: Peter, we each know that combating merely can’t be tolerated. I’m afraid that your punishment must be one among extreme magnitude.
Peter: I perceive.
Mr. Krimpshaw: Detention: two weeks.
Peter: Yes, sir.
Mr. Krimpshaw: Clean-up element: one week.
Peter: Yes, sir.
Mr. Krimpshaw: Probation: three months efficient subsequent fall.
Peter: Yes, sir.
Mr. Krimpshaw: And in fact, I’ll be calling your dad and mom.
Peter: AAAA!
Mr. Krimpshaw: (pondering) God, I really like this job.
Peter: (on his knees) Sir… please… I beseech you…

[Roger gives Andy a valentine card.]
Andy: For me? Roger, how candy.
Roger: And I imply each phrase.
Andy: [Reads card to herself] “Dear Fatso: Roses are red, violets are blue; if something smells bad, it’s gotta be you. Roses are red, emeralds green; you must weigh more than a washing machine. Roses are red, like a huge fiery comet; your face would make even Quasimodo vomit. Roses are red, tomatoes are too; if I had one now, I’d throw it at you. Roses are red, daffodils gold; you might look better if you scraped off that mold. Roses are red, looming huge to the ant; I wish you would drown in a waste treatment pl-“
[By now, Andy is visibly angry. Cut to Paige reading a card that Jason has just given her.]
Paige: “Your kisses sweet, like angels’ song…”
Jason: Uh-oh.
Roger: [off panel] Andy, OW!

Say Hello To Cactus Flats (1993)[edit]

Denise: Peter, my mother desires me to ask you the place you suppose this relationship goes. She desires me to learn the way dedicated you actually are… what your intentions are… principally, how you actually really feel about me.
[Silence.]
Denise: Of course, I advised her to place a sock in it.
Peter: [collapsing] I really like you, Denise.

Peter: I can eat this taco with two squirts of scorching sauce.
Jason: I can eat this taco with three squirts of scorching sauce.
Peter: Four squirts.
Jason: Five squirts.
Peter: Six squirts.
Jason: Eat that taco.
Roger: [face-palming] The Cleavers lived a lie.
Paige: Nine squirts…
Andy: Paige, keep out of this!

Roger: (studying the sports activities part) I inform you, the Warriors look an increasing number of just like the group to beat. Of course, you’ll be able to’t low cost Portland. They’re probably nonetheless the group to beat. And the Bulls, effectively, they’re simply on fireplace. Definitely the group to beat. But the Celtics look OK. Could be the true group to beat. Can’t neglect the Knicks. At dwelling they’re in all probability nonetheless the group to beat.
[wider panel showing that the whole family is sitting in the pews at church, with several members of the congregation staring at Roger]
Roger: Ooo – the Jazz. Now there’s the group to beat.
Andy: (lifting her purse) Ask me whom I’d wish to beat.
Peter: Here?
Paige: Now?
Jason: (skyward) Thank you.

Andy: Roger, have you ever seen this new present about Indiana Jones?
Roger: No. What about it?
Andy: Sometimes they present him when he’s 16 years outdated, different occasions they present him at 10.
Roger: OK, what does that should do with this household.
Jason: Presenting, Indy-10!
Peter: And Indy-16!
Andy: That.

Peter: How’s your dinner, Indy-10?
Jason: Yummy. How’s yours, Indy-16?
Peter: Good. It jogs my memory of the delicacies of the tribesmen of New Guinea. They, in fact, use a heavier sauce.
Jason: You’re forgetting I have never been there but.
Peter: Ah, sure. It’ll be the spring of 1914. You’ll have enjoyable. Oh, by the best way, they’re going to need your head.
Jason: Seems everybody does.
Roger/Andy/Paige: [highly annoyed] I can solely communicate for me, but-

Andy: Have you seen Jason? He was supposed to assist with dinner.
Paige: The final I noticed, he and Marcus had been sprinting off into the hills.
Andy: What? He is aware of these hills are coated with poison oak this time of yr! Why would he do one thing silly like that?!
Paige: Ask me if I’ve seen Peter.
[Cut to the hills, where Peter, with suction cup darts Super-glued to his face, is furiously chasing Jason and Marcus, all three of them scratching themselves frantically.]
Peter: You can run (itch) however you’ll be able to’t (itch) conceal…
Jason: That’s (itch) what you (itch) suppose.
Marcus: Huff (itch) puff (itch)

May The Force Be With Us, Please (1994)[edit]

Roger: Son, lighting a fireplace is like romancing a gorgeous girl. [Andy appears behind him.] …Or so I’ve been advised.
Peter: Hi, Mom.

Take Us To Your Mall (1995)[edit]

Jason: Hey Paige, wanna see the thriller novel I’m writing?
Paige: No.
Jason: C’mon, do not you need to see even a LITTLE of it?
Paige: No!
Jason: Pleeease? Are you SURE you do not need to see it?
Paige: OK, OK! I’LL LOOK AT IT!
Jason: Tough. It’s high secret. Ba ha ha ha ha!
Paige: Speaking of mysteries…

Andy: Gretchen’s a SNAKE?!
Jason: She’s Miss O’Malley’s boa constrictor.
Andy: You made that Valentine’s Day card for a snake?!
Jason: Who’d you suppose it was for?
Andy: Well, for starters, a lady.
Jason: Eew! Gross! Ick! What type of a weirdo do you suppose I’m?!
Andy: Don’t ask.
Jason: Would or not it’s okay if Marcus and I constructed an android this weekend?

Paige: AAAA! Who taped over Melrose Place?!
Jason: Hey, do not blame me. You left the tape within the machine, dummy. When you document one thing, it’s best to both watch it immediately or take out the casette. How am I imagined to know what you’ve got seen and what you have not?!
Paige: You recorded a basketball recreation?
Jason: AAAA! Who taped over Babylon 5?!
Peter: Hey, do not blame me.

The Return of the Long Iguana (1996)[edit]

[As “The Lone Iguana“]
Jason: (to Paige) ‘Scuse me, ma’am? Have you seen this right here varmint? (holds up Paige’s promenade photograph) She’s wished for illegally impersonating a horse. ‘Course, she bought the face and butt all blended up.
[Cut to later, as a beaten-up Jason is showing the photo to Peter.]
Jason: That, and tried homicide.
Peter: Jason, go away.

Paige: [slams down the phone] Mother!!!!
Andy: Paige, what’s improper?
Paige: These weirdos hold calling me up! I do not even know who they’re! This one man known as from Norway! What the heck is occurring?!
Andy: [glancing upstairs] Well, if I needed to guess…
[in Andy’s office upstairs, Jason and Marcus are at the computer]
Marcus: The Internet: the last word lavatory wall.
Jason: How’s this? “For a really, really good time, call Paige…”

At Least This Place Sells T-Shirts (1996)[edit]

Cashier at Fun-Fun Universe: That’ll be $28.40.
Roger: For one Chili Fun-Fun Burger and Fries?!
Cashier: Oops. My mistake.
Roger: Sheesh. I ought to say so.
Cashier: I forgot the fries. That’ll be $41 even.
Roger: Nothing like a trip to make you recognize your job.
Paige: Only one? Peter ate 4 of these.

Miss O’Malley: [off panel; the first three panels show Jason sitting back at his desk, grinning] Welcome again to high school, class. I belief you all had a very good summer season trip. I do not actually have an excessive amount of deliberate for at present, besides to… um… besides to… All proper, who wrote “Give really hard math test” on my “To Do” record?!
Andy: [later, at home] This observe says the principal needed to rescue you from some type of mob.
Jason: It’s been three months! You’d suppose everybody would need one!

Paige: [to herself, as she prepares to give a speech in her social studies class] OK, Paige, it is only a three-minute speech. Don’t be nervous. Do what Dad mentioned: think about everyone seems to be of their underwear. Yowza! It’s like a Chippendales present! I’ve actually bought to cease listening to Dad.
Teacher: Miss Fox, can we get this began someday at present?

Peter: I assume I ought to get began on my ebook report. Oh, what the heck. There’s all the time tomorrow.
Paige: Isn’t it due tomorrow?
Peter: Yes, however there’s all the time tomorrow morning.
Paige: My brother, the Evel Knievel of homework.
Peter: I assume I’ll want a ebook. How late’s the library open?

Peter: This World Wide Web is fairly cool. I imply, if I wished to, I may entry NASA pictures…I may go into the Library of Congress and browse historic texts…I may examine the artwork collections of quite a few European museums…
Steve: Emphasis on “if you wanted to.”
Peter: Ooo – Miss December likes ice cream! Me, too!

Roger: Paige, your mom requested me to make you children’ lunches at present. What type of sandwich do you want?
Paige: Oh, I do not care. Peanut butter and jelly…bologna and cheese…tuna fish…no matter.
Roger: Gotcha.
[Later…]
Paige: My father will not be of this earth.
Nicole: A peanut butter, tuna fish, bologna, jelly and cheese sandwich?!

Jason: [Dressed up like Jacob Marley from A Christmas Carol] Scrooooooooooooooge… Scroooooooooooooge…
Andy: Jason, I advised you, I’m not elevating your allowance and that is last!

[in the kitchen]
Roger: I simply can’t determine this bank card assertion.
Jason: In what approach?
Roger: It’s weird. It reveals a purchase order, then a credit score, then a purchase order, then a credit score, then a purchase order, then a credit score… what is going on on?? Is it a pc glitch?
Jason: Dad, give it some thought.
[in the living room]
Paige: Mom, please do not make me take this again!
Andy: Paige, that sweater value greater than my school tuition!

Jason: Hey, Paige, I did not know you and Jane Goodall had been buddies!
Paige: What are you speaking about?
Jason: This journal has an image of you two standing arm-in-arm within the jungle.
Paige: She has her arm round a chimpanzee!
Jason: Oh. Whoops. My mistake.
Paige: That is so imply! Give me that!
[Later]
Paige: Hey, Peter, I did not know you and Jane Goodall had been buddies!
Peter: What are you speaking about?

Roger: OK, my fairly Valentine, now shut your eyes…
Andy: You bought me flowers?!
Roger: No…
Andy: Chocolates?!
Roger: No…
Andy: JEWELRY?!
Roger: Andy, geez! You’ve been wanting a brand new spatula for years!
Andy: Ever marvel, Roger, why none of our youngsters have birthdays in November?

Andy: Roger, what’s that factor in your mouth?!
Roger: It’s a cigar.
Andy: I do know that. What are you doing with it?
Roger: Fred gave it to me. Check out the flowery label: Aroma del Baño. [Spanish: “Smell of the bathroom”]
Andy: Roger, did you ever examine Spanish in class?
Roger: My pronunciation is that good, eh?

Roger: So you shaved your head since you principally misplaced some silly guess with the opposing group about who may eat probably the most double cheeseburgers in an hour?
Peter: Uh, yeah.
Roger: [rubs his eyes] Son, I’m going to say one thing which may sound a bit of insensitive, however right here goes… I’M NOT THE BALDEST GUY IN THIS HOUSE ANYMORE! YEE-HA!
Peter: [getting up] Where’s Mom? I believe I ought to let her yell at me some extra.

[Peter shaved his head after losing a bet.]
Jason: Please?
Peter: No!
Jason: Please! Just as soon as!
Peter: All proper, effective, however simply as soon as. [clears throat and takes off his hat] Ahead warp issue seven. Engage.
Jason: Goosebumps.

Roger: Why the lengthy face?
Jason: Peter gave me his outdated magic set, however all of the tips in it are actually lame. Look at this junk – cups and balls… sponge rabbits… a handkerchief that modifications shade… they name this MAGIC?! Where’s the fireplace?! Where are the tigers?! Where’s the mattress of spears I can dangle myself over whereas I attempt to get out of leg irons?!
Roger: [to Andy off-panel] Dear, I take again all these jokes about your hair going grey.

Jason: Okay, I’m simply gonna take a wild stab right here… Professor Plum, with a candlestick, within the Conservatory. I’m proper, aren’t I? I did it! I received once more! That’s 14 occasions in a row I’ve crushed you! You should admit it, Paige, both I’m the best “Clue” participant who ever lived, otherwise you simply plain, outright, suck wastewater… or each.
Paige: (chasing him) Paige Fox, with a recreation board, within the eating room.
Jason: MOM!

Come Closer, Roger, There’s A Mosquito On Your Nose (1997)[edit]

Jason: Hey, Paige, need assist together with your math homework?
Paige: Nope.
Jason: Want assist together with your science homework?
Paige: Nope.
Jason: Want assist with any of your homework?
Paige: Nope.
Jason: Hmmm. You’re both getting smarter or wiser.
Paige: [sternly] By the best way, Shakespeare‘s first title was “William,” not “Chet.”

Paige: How am I imagined to get my summer season studying achieved with a Walkman that retains breaking?!
Andy: Permit me to depend to 10 earlier than answering.

Welcome To Jasorassic Park (1998)[edit]

Peter: [thinking] OK, Pete, that is it… it is all as much as you now. Down by one… two outs… bases loaded… the ultimate inning in opposition to your group’s greatest rival… You’ve been putting out all yr, however now destiny has handed you this one, gigantic shot at redemption. This is precisely the type of mythic second that baseball is all about. Let’s get it on.
Umpire: Strike one!
[Peter swings again.]
Umpire: Strike two!
[Peter swings again.]
Umpire: Strike three!
[Later, in the dugout.]
Peter: Mythic moments all the time appear to have higher endings within the motion pictures.
Teammate: Pete? Coach did not need me to inform you, however the bus is about to go away.

[Roger is begging Andy’s permission to dip into the family’s savings account.]
Roger: Pleeeease cannot I purchase it?
Andy: No!
Roger: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease cannot I purchase it?
Andy: NO!
Roger: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease cannot I purchase it?
Andy: I SAID NO!
Paige: (watching from the lounge) It’s like I’m having an out-of-physique expertise.
Jason: Trust me, you by no means sound this pathetic.
Roger: (offscreen) But it is the most effective golf membership ever!
Andy: (offscreen) Roger, no! And I do not want a again-rub!

Jason: HI, DAD! HOW WAS WORK?
Roger: [whispering] Jason, shh.
Jason: WHAT’S THAT BEHIND YOUR BACK?
Roger: Son, please hold your voice down.
Jason: SAY, ISN’T THAT ONE OF THOSE EXPENSIVE GOLF CLUBS THAT MOM TOLD YOU NOT TO-…
[Later, up in his room.]
Jason: Ah, there’s nothing just like the odor of a crisp $10 invoice.
Peter: Where do you get all this cash?!

Jason: Yowza! I bought two gumballs! The machine screwed up! I beat the system! I bought two gumballs! Two fabulous, great, succulent gumballs! Yes sure sure!
Girl: I believe it was supposed to offer you three.
Jason: Huh? … Two measly gumballs.
Girl: Yowza! I bought 4 gumballs!

Peter: So, Dad, I used to be pondering possibly I’d be a part of the Marines.
Roger: [engrossed in a golf magazine] That’s good.
Peter: And develop into a vegan.
Roger: That’s good.
Peter: And begin courting married ladies.
Roger: That’s good.
Peter: And have “666” tattooed on my brow.
Roger: That’s good.
Peter: And keep out an hour previous my curfew tonight.
Roger: Think once more, mister.
Peter: [angrily walking away] One of nowadays, his filter’s going to fail.
Paige: [off panel] So, Daddy, I used to be pondering of fixing my title to a semicolon.
Roger: That’s good.

Jason: Suppose somebody made chocolate chip cookies however neglected the chocolate chips? What would you name them then? I imply, you’ll be able to’t simply name them “cookies”. And “chipless chocolate chip cookies” sounds type of awkward. Hmm…
Paige: [scooping a handful] Personally, I’d name them “a crime against humanity.”
Jason: We’re attempting to have a critical dialogue right here, Paige!
Marcus: Actually, I type of agree along with her.

Andy: [reading a list] Now, there are pre-made meals within the freezer… and do not forget to take the trash out tomorrow…
Roger: Andy, geez – you are solely going to be gone a couple of days. How pathetically helpless do you suppose I’m?!
[Pause]
Andy: [returning to the list] Also, I gave Irma subsequent door a key, in case you lock your self out of the home…
Roger: I’m ready for a solution.

Jason: Can I strap rocket engines to Paige’s dolls and launch them indoors? Mom often lets me.
Roger: Nice attempt. You’ll launch them outside, mister.

Andy: Roger, LOOK at this! You name this loading the dishwasher?! The plates are in improper… the glasses are the wrong way up… do not you know the way to do that by NOW?! From now on, I’m doing all of the dishes, OK?! Not you, ME! Got it?!
Roger: [To himself, while reading the newspaper, eating potato chips and drinking a beer] Sometimes I believe having no data is energy.
Andy: Roger, LOOK at this! You name this folding the laundry?!

Paige: [in the car, riding home from the mall] I am unable to consider I’ve really completed all of my again-to-college purchasing! I’ve bought the right again-to-college outfit… the right again-to-college purse… an lovely again-to-college hair-care ensemble… every little thing! I, Paige Fox, am now prepared for college to start out!
Peter: [very haggard] What about getting notebooks and stuff?
Paige: Oops.
Peter: If you suppose for one second that we’re driving again to that mall…

I’m Flying, Jack… I Mean, Roger (1999)[edit]

[Roger is wearing earmuffs, a heavy coat and mittens, and chipping furiously at his car with an ice scraper.]
Roger: Stupid ice all around the windshield! Stupid ice all around the mirrors! Stupid ice all around the key gap!
Andy: I advised you attempting to scrub the automotive at present was lunacy.
Roger: (different hand comes up with the backyard hose, which has icicles protruding of the nozzle) Stupid ice throughout my pant legs!

Roger: [outraged] Andy, I am unable to consider you intentionally advised Jason to play video video games all week so I could not watch any TV sports activities information! It’s the week of the Super Bowl! You know the way a lot soccer means to me! You know the way I wish to wrap myself in each nuance and element and statistic about this contest! Sheesh – we have been married 20 years! Why would you, of all individuals, need to deny me the one real love of my life?! [realizes] …Um, that did not come out fairly proper.
Andy: [icily] Speaking because the different one real love of your life…

Eileen: I’m so psyched we’ve got to offer Valentine’s playing cards to everybody within the class.
Jason: Not me.
Eileen: Think about it, Jason – if we simply gave them to the individuals we preferred, it might be awfully embarrassing.
Jason: How so?
Eileen: You know, you and I singling one another out in such an apparent approach.
[Jason flees in terror, leaving his lunch behind]
Eileen: [grabs Jason’s pudding] Ah, the issues I’ll say to snag a chocolate pudding cup.
Teacher: [off panel] Jason, cease! That’s a fireplace exit!

[Roger is sitting at the computer, on the telephone.]
Operator: [muzak] …Please proceed to carry. A consultant might be with you shortly… [repeats four more times]
Roger: I preferred tech assist much more earlier than they bought caller I.D.
Peter: [rolling his eyes] This is what? Your eighth crash at present?

Power outage
Paige: I assumed the storm was dangerous. I assumed this project was dangerous. I assumed having no electrical energy was dangerous. But this has bought to take the cake.
Peter: That you are learning by the sunshine of a glow-in-the-darkish Dracula mannequin?
Paige: That I’m paying for the privilege to take action.
Jason: Low charges, Peter. I’ve bought a Wolfman if you happen to’re .

Paige: You’d be happy with me, Dr. Ting.
Dr. Ting: Oh?
Paige: Even although our energy went out from the storm, I in some way managed to learn the assigned 46 chapters in our textbook utilizing the sunshine from birthday candles, glow-in-the-darkish toys, and the occasional flashes from lightning. It was a complete nightmare, however I’m prepared for at present’s quiz! I imply, we are having a quiz at present, aren’t we?
Dr. Ting: [sheepishly] Well, see, my energy went out too, and since I hold quizzes on my pc…
[a few seconds later]
Offscreen Voice: Paige! Don’t! That ebook is college property!
Dr. Ting: But you are proper – I’m happy with you.

Think iFruity (2000)[edit]

Peter: [strangling Jason] You suppose that is humorous?!? You suppose tricking me into utilizing everlasting blue ink to attract a goatee on my face on a faculty night time is humorous?!? Just wait ’til I am going inform Mom and Dad! We’ll see who’s laughing then, pal!
[Peter storms out of the kitchen… then stalks back in.]
Jason: Judging by your face, I’d say Mom and Dad.
Peter: [fuming] I’m transferring out.
Andy: [off-panel] Peter, come again! We had been guffawing with you!

Andy: Peter, that was Mrs. Humbargar on the cellphone. She mentioned she noticed you driving our station wagon down her avenue at present like a runaway missile.
Peter: No approach! Impossible! I swear to you, Mom, she could not have!
Jason: We had been going a lot too quick to be seen.
Peter: You hold quiet!

Andy: I assume the one query now could be what taste of iFruit to get.
Jason: Geekdom is lifeless.
Salesman: We have all 32 colours in inventory, however in order for you Mango-Kiwi, it’s best to get it quickly. I hear they could discontinue that mannequin.
Andy: …As in retire? [grabs the salesman’s shirt, holding up cash and credit cards] I WANT EVERY MANGO-KIWI YOU’VE GOT! DO YOU HEAR ME?! EVERY ONE! [rushes off]
Salesman: …Sorry, child. I’m not about to cease her.
Jason: These aren’t Beanie Babies, Mom! Come again!
Andy: [off-panel] A truck! A truck! I want a truck!

Death By Field Trip (2001)[edit]

Paige: Still no messages? That’s three straight days and not using a single, solitary electronic mail! I… I believe I’m going to cry…
[Downstairs.]
Paige: [offscreen] HALLELUJAH!
Peter: That truck cease will need to have lastly painted its lavatory.
Jason: [holding up a felt pen] Then Jazorro shall journey once more.

[On a field trip at the Science Museum]
Eileen: Cool! An precise vacuum tube from the unique ENIAC pc!
Jason: Be nonetheless, my coronary heart. I’ve by no means seen such magnificence… such magnificence… such perfection up shut like this.
Eileen: Aw, you are so candy!
Jason: Er… subsequent exhibit, you are standing behind me.
Eileen: And you mentioned this would not be enjoyable.

[Paige and Nicole are studying silently in the library.]
Paige: …SO’D YA HEAR ABOUT GREG AND MICHELLE HOOKING UP?!
Nicole: I KNOW! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!
[They go back to studying silently. Later:]
Paige: Hmph. The nerve of that librarian kicking us out!
Nicole: We had been completely averaging a whisper!

Jason: (recording a greeting on the household answering machine) Hi, you’ve got reached the Fox residence. At the sound of the beep, depart your message. But first, this is Roger Fox with a message of his personal…
[He carries the machine up the stairs to the bathroom, where Roger is showering.]
Roger: [singing] “I’m just a love machine, and I won’t work for anybody but you… Ye-ah, baby…”
[later:]
Jason: Don’t blame me, Dad – you purchased the wire lengthy sufficient to achieve your bathe.
Roger: [clutching the answering machine with both hands] You did this how many weeks in the past?!

Peter: Can I am going over to Denise’s home to check?
Andy: What topic?
Peter: Subject?
Andy: Yes, what topic will you be learning?
Peter: Chemistry?
Andy: Hmm.
[Cut to Peter and Denise on the sofa at Denise’s house, about to kiss.]
Peter: I believe my mother’s getting suspicious.
Denise: It’s not like we’re mendacity.

Encyclopedias Brown And White (2002)[edit]

[P.O.V. shot from a camcorder, as Roger goes down a water slide.]
Roger: Whoo-hoo! Yee-ha! (goals at Andy) Hey, honey, smile!
Andy: (dropping her soda) Roger, you moron! That digital camera is not waterproof!
Roger: (sees the splashdown pool approaching) Uh-oh…
[Brief underwater shot from the camera, replaced quickly by grainy static. Cut to Jason, Marcus and Quincy watching this in the living room.]
Marcus: Your dad takes some fairly humorous dwelling movies.
Jason: (glumly) Took.

Andy: What film are you going to see?
Paige: “The Patriot“.
Andy: What?! Absolutely not! Paige, that film is rated “R” for a cause! It’s violent and bloody and stuffed with sadistic cruelty I do not need you seeing at your age! No approach! No how! Not an opportunity, younger woman!
Nicole: (as they stroll away) I’d counsel “The Perfect Storm“, however I believe we simply noticed it.
Paige: (wiping her cheeks) Complete with spray.

Roger: It boggles my thoughts how costly wine is.
Jason: Have you thought of making your personal?
Roger: My personal?
Jason: Sure. It’s a easy chemical course of, and it is completely authorized right here the place we dwell.
Roger: What an incredible thought, son! This could possibly be the passion I’ve been in search of!
[As Roger rushes off, Jason walks away, whistling.]
Jason: I advised you there could be repercussions for not letting me play “Diablo 2“.
Andy: Stop him! NOW!

Peter: Who desires to see me put 10 squirts of scorching sauce on my taco? Who desires to see me put 20 squirts of scorching sauce on my taco? Who desires to see me put this complete bottle of scorching sauce on my taco?
Jason: (watching with Paige) Ah, the tears of a clown.
Andy: (off-panel) Peter, pricey, sucking on the ice maker will not get it to work quicker.

Denise: I believe we must always break up.
Peter: AAAAA!
Denise: And see different individuals.
Peter: AAAAA!
Denise: After all, it is not such as you’re that nice a kisser.
Peter: AAAAAAAAA!
Denise: [Hugging Peter] What’s Halloween and not using a few good scares?
Peter: Whatever occurred to saying “Boo”?!

[Peter is on the couch, watching the television with the remote in his hand.]
Carson Daly: Hi, I’m Carson Daly, and also you’re watching MTV’s Thanksgiving-Break Beach Spectacular! Coming up, we have performances by the Backstreet Boys! Ricky Martin! N Sync! 98 Degrees! But first, “Survivor“‘s Richard Hatch goes to show me the way to crab-stroll…
Paige: I assume you actually did eat a lot turkey you’ll be able to’t transfer.
Peter: (by tight lips) For the love of humanity, assist me press this distant.
Carson Daly: Wait a minute… bare?!

His Code Name Was The Fox (2002)[edit]

Paige: You ought to have seen me in math class at present, Mother! I used to be on! I imply on!
Andy: You did effectively, eh?
Paige: No one may bat their eyelashes as cutely as I did!
[Andy gives her a blank look.]
Paige: We had a extremely hunky substitute trainer.
Andy: [buries her head] Maybe if I wore a wig, I may pull my hair out with out crying.

Eileen: Hey, Jason. Wanna come over to my home after college at present?
Jason: Eileen, get actual. You’re a woman, I’m a boy. What may we probably do collectively that’d be any enjoyable?
[Eileen whispers in his ear.]
Jason: [swooning] Really? Oh, my!
Eileen: Don’t be late.
[It turns out she is inviting him to play games on her new “Jupiter-64 Gamestation” console.]

[Jason and Marcus are filling their water pistols from the garden hose.]
Jason: You know what they name a 0.1134-Kilogrammer with cheese in Paris, Texas?
Marcus: They do not name it a 0.1134-Kilogrammer with cheese?
Jason: No, man, they do not use the metric system. They would not know what the heck a 0.1134-Kilogrammer is.
Marcus: Then what do they name it?
Jason: They name it a Quarter Pounder With Cheese.
Marcus: Quarter Pounder With Cheese.
Paige: [to Peter] I advised you renting Pulp Fiction final night time was a really dangerous thought.
[Jason and Marcus appear, wearing knight helmets and aiming their water pistols]
Jason: Mind if we get medieval in your grass?

[seeing Paige in a bikini top and shorts]
Roger: Is our daughter rising, or is her clothes shrinking?
Andy: Both, I’m afraid.

Andy is studying Entertainment Weekly
Andy: It says right here that the forthcoming season of The Sopranos has not but wrapped.
Roger: I keep in mind this season, it took them over a yr to return on!
Andy: I do know, God solely is aware of how lengthy it can take this time for them to movie.
Jason is watching TV, now a full-grown man as he’s consuming a can of beer and has grown a mustache
Dr. Melfi: I have to refill your prescription.
Tony Soprano: Da Prozac or da Geritol?

Jason: Mom, this place is nice! They offer you stuff without cost!
Andy: What are you speaking about?
Jason: You simply inform them your room quantity and you’ll have something you need!
Andy: Jason, it is not free! They’re simply placing it on our invoice!
Jason: Oops.
Andy: Why did not I pack aspirin?
Paige: [Carrying several bags’ worth of goodies] Get some on the present store. Everything’s free.

Your Momma Thinks Square Roots Are Vegetables (2003)[edit]

iFruit: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
Roger: The arduous drive’s been corrupted once more.
Andy: It’s that blasted web connection, I’m telling you.

Andy: [Andy took an allergy decongestant which has clouded her brain] Kids? Roger? Dinner’s prepared!
Paige: [staring at the food on her plate] What the heck is that this??
Andy: Stop that proper now, Paige! I’ve had a really arduous time at present with my head all fogged up by decongestants, and I’d recognize it simply this as soon as if you happen to’d hold your feedback to your self.
Peter: Does stating that she served us ice cream depend as a remark?
Paige: You heard her. Shhh!
Andy: Thirds already? Why, Jason!

Peter: [holding a hand to his mouth] Ow! Ow! Ow!
Andy: I advised you the casserole was scorching, Peter.
Peter: You misunderstand. Those had been cries of ache from my style buds.
Andy: [to Roger] Remind me once more why we stress honesty in our kids?
Roger: [holding a hand to his mouth] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Jason: [coughing into a mug] Hack! Khack! Khack! Hack! [hands mug to Roger] Here you go, Dad.
Roger: What’s this?
Jason: I’m the cougher, which makes this mug the coughee. It’s what you requested for.
Roger: Son, let me spell a couple of issues out for you…

Jason: Your momma thinks sq. roots are greens.
Marcus: Oh, yeah? Your momma thinks polygons flip into frogs.
Jason: Well, your momma could not combine a nested trig perform, even if you happen to let her use a pc.
Miss O’Malley: Boys, I mentioned no trash speaking earlier than exams.
Jason: Sorry, Miss O’Malley.
Marcus: Oh, man, that final one damage.

Peter: Mom, we are having turkey for Thanksgiving, proper?
Andy: You’ve requested me that 4 occasions now, Peter.
Peter: I do know, however typically you go all tofu-blissful, and I simply need to make certain you are not planning to serve us some gross and disgusting veggie meal as an alternative.
Andy: No, Peter, you may be consuming an actual, trustworthy-to-goodness lifeless turkey this Thursday. Its head chopped off, its blood drained out, its feathers yanked off, its organs pulled out, its cooked flesh minimize and picked from its bones and placed on our dinner desk, all for the advantage of your little style buds. No, sirree, there will be nothing “gross and disgusting” served in this home.
Peter: Woohoo! Thanks!
Andy: Why do I even hassle with sarcasm?

Andy: My New Year’s decision is to suit into my school blue denims once more.
Roger: Mine is to win a $100 million lottery.
Andy: Resolutions are imagined to be reasonable objectives, foolish.
[Roger impassively sips his coffee.]
Andy: Okay, school sweat pants.
Roger: $50 million.

[Andy is preparing dinner.]
Andy: Some diced tofu and picked lima beans… adopted by crispy corn husks and a drizzle of turnip oil. Oops, I forgot the low sodium salt.
[When she turns away from the stove, the flames suddenly shoot up high, then return to normal as she turns back.]
Andy: AAAAH! It burned within the break up second I had my again turned! This is the second dinner I’ve ruined this week! I do not get it!
[Peter and Jason are watching from the hallway. Jason is fingering a remote control.]
Jason: When my toy dune buggy broke, I needed to put the servos to good use someplace.
Peter: The distant management range. This could possibly be big.
Andy: [off-panel] Kids, I hope you do not thoughts pizza once more.

[Andy is doing the bills in the kitchen. In the background is a shot of a window showing that it is cold and snowy outside.]
Andy: These month-to-month payments are insane! How will we allow them to get like this?! Why cannot we put on hotter garments and hold the thermostat down? Why did we order all these fancy choices for our cellphone line? Why will we pay for cable TV as an alternative of dwelling with free broadcast?
[Paige wanders into the kitchen dressed in a midriff-baring shirt and shorts, holding a cordless phone receiver.]
Paige: I’ve bought Nicole and Ashley on a convention name. Is it OK if I fly to the MTV Beach House for spring break so we are able to wave to Carson Daly?
[Later, Peter and Paige are shown huddling in front of the TV set, bundled up in winter clothing and freezing. The TV is now pulling in broadcast via a “rabbit ears” antenna.]
Peter: What did you say to her?!
Paige: I do not know.
TV Announcer: [“Bzzt” – static] Next on [“Bzzt” – more static] Sesame Street
Jason: Paige, you have got a message on the telegraph.

Who’s Up For Some Bonding? (2003)[edit]

[while Roger, Peter and Jason are away]
Andy: Let’s discuss in regards to the birds and the bees.
Paige: Mother, please, we already had this dialogue!
Andy: That was once you had been 10. That was birds and bees, lesson 1. You’re 14 now. It’s time for birds and bees, lesson 2.
Paige: I do watch community tv, you understand.
Andy: Good level. Let’s skip to lesson 42.

[Jason and Roger are watching a football game.]
Jason: I am unable to consider that receiver did not rating!
Roger: No kidding!
Jason: The defender was completely out of place!
Roger: No kidding!
Jason: All he needed to do was Left-Stick up, B-Button, A-Button, R1, L2, R1, and Boom! Touchdown!
[Later…]
Paige: Who threw our online game system within the trash?

Am I A Mutant, Or What? (2004)[edit]

Paige: Peter may you drive me to the mall?
Peter: [watching TV, eating potato chips] I’d, Paige, however, um… however I’ve an enormous paper due tomorrow and I have to get began on it proper now. [turns off the TV and gets up] Right this second, in truth.
[Peter runs upstairs. Later:]
Paige: You do not pull these tips on me, do you?
Andy: Maybe. Here’s your greenback.

Peter: [after being scolded by Andy for being slow in getting ready for a Christmas church service] Sheesh! What type of a psycho church will we belong to? They cannot even give us Christmas off!
Andy: I’ll let that go with out remark.

Paige: Is this the sport Mom bought you?
Peter: Nice City, yeah.
Paige: What do you need to do?
Peter: Well, the foundations are a bit of unclear, however principally you need to hand around in this metropolis and never kill anybody.
[Pause.]
Paige: How freakishly counter-intuitive.
Peter: The gun store does not even promote missiles.

Jason: How goes Nice City?
Peter: This silly recreation is unimaginable! I’ve to assist 12 little outdated girls cross the road in below a minute! It cannot be achieved!
[Jason watches Peter’s next attempt.]
Jason: I do not suppose you are imagined to beat and rob them first.
Peter: Ah, possibly that is the trick.

Orlando Bloom Has Ruined Everything (2005)[edit]

[Paige is watching the news.]
News Anchor: In Washington, the Justice Department at present characterised the First, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Amendments to the Constitution as “typos.” In sports activities, the NCAA has decided that its annual males’s basketball event is disruptive to educational schedules and might be abolished. In tech information, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has challenged Linux creator Linus Torvalds to a winner-take-all Steel-Cage Judo Deathmatch. And on the enterprise entrance, analysts are predicting a significant spike within the financial system as Paige Fox purchases her again-to-college pimple cream.
Paige: [to Jason] Will you cease hacking the CNN TelePrompter?!
Jason: Wolf Blitzer‘s about to say “Fear Me” in Klingon.

My Hot Dog Went Out, Can I Have Another? (2005)[edit]

How Come I’m Always Luigi? (2006)[edit]

Houston, You Have A Problem (2007)[edit]

And When She Opened The Closet, All The Clothes Were Polyester! (2007)[edit]

Jason: …And it is mentioned that if you happen to hear, you’ll be able to nonetheless hear the sound of his beating coronary heart!
Paige: Lame.
Jason: …And there, dangling from the automotive door’s deal with, was a bloody steel claw!
Paige: Yawn.
Jason: …It’s wasn’t till they bought dwelling that they discovered the McCoy Lodge had burned down 25 years in the past!
Paige: Face it, Jason. You cannot scare me.
Jason: [pauses, then continues] …And when she opened the closet, all the garments had been polyester!
Paige: AAAA!
Jason: I simply wanted to heat up.
Paige: Tell me it is not true! Tell me it is not true!

Unsourced[edit]

Roger Fox[edit]

Andy: [sporting a new haircut, in the early strip that introduces her “signature” hairstyle] So do you prefer it?
Roger: It’ll do.
Andy: IT’LL DO?!?
Roger: It’s a bit of gentle. Not a lot physique.
Andy: [tearing up] You actually suppose so?
Roger: You did not pay a lot for it, I hope.
Andy: WAAAA!
Roger: [holding up a beer can] Andy, it is only a beer, for crying out loud!

Roger: Peter, why have not you taken out the trash as I requested?!
Peter: Ask Jason to do it.
Roger: Show some accountability, son! I requested you, not him! Honestly.
Peter: OK, OK, I’ll do it.
[Later…]
Andy: Thanks for taking out the trash as I requested.
Roger: You’re welcome.

Roger: I do not get it – the silly program will not set up!
Jason: Dad, duh! You purchased the Windows model!
Roger: So?
Jason: So we do not have Windows!
Roger: Are you nuts?! [points to wall] There’s a window proper there!
Jason: Would you want me to go nuts?

Peter: In honor of Father’s Day, Dad, we have determined to all pitch in and relieve you of your regular Sunday workload. Paige right here will deal with your watching golf and baseball on TV… Jason will take over your newspaper studying and lengthy lavatory breaks… and I’ll shoulder the duties of snacking, napping and normal puttering for the day. Now you are lastly free to do all these belongings you’ve needed to delay, like portray the storage or cleansing out your closet!
Roger: [to Andy] Have you seen our youngsters growing a merciless humorousness?
Andy: Peter, you forgot trimming the hedges!

Andy: AARGH! This is driving me nuts! Why cannot I get the checkbook to steadiness?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! [glares at Roger] …she requested rhetorically.
Roger: Say, you by no means thanked me for paying all of the payments final month.

[Using Andy’s computer:] “What’s it mean by “Hard Disk Destroyed”?”

Roger: [Blowing his nose] My nostril has been stuffy all day. Do I’ve a chilly or is it allergy symptoms?
iFruit: How the heck ought to I know?
Roger [To Andy] We spent how a lot on that virus detection software program?

Paige: Mm-mmm! Nothing like an ice chilly root BEER!
Peter: Yup. A root BEER positive hits the spot after college!
Paige: You know, I could even have two root BEERS, I’m so thirsty!
Jason: Say, are you two speaking about root BEER?!
Peter: Why, sure, we’re speaking about root BEER!
Jason: What a coincidence! I used to be simply pondering to myself how good this root BEER tastes!…
Roger: Remind me to by no means once more inform the children what I’m giving up for Lent.
Andy: I believe it is cute.

Roger: [half-asleep] Coffeeeee…
Andy: The pot’s over by the fridge.
Roger: Coffeeeee…
Andy: The fridge is over there.
Roger: Coffeeeee…
Andy: See that factor with the little purple gentle?
Jason: “Morning of the Living Dead.”
Andy: Roger, that is the answering machine!

Roger: [at a drive-thru] Hi. I’d like a Happy McMeal, a Junior McMeal and three Cheesy McMeals.
Order-taker: A Happy McMeal and two tacos. Anything else?
Roger: I did not say tacos – I mentioned a Happy McMeal, a Junior McMeal and three Cheesy McMeals.
Order-taker: What type of dressing would you want in your salad?
Roger: I DIDN’T ORDER A SALAD!
Order-taker: We do not make seafood salads.
Roger: I may have sworn I deserved a break at present.
Order-taker: Your whole involves $97.17. Please drive by.

Roger: Mmm-MMM! Andy, that was one nice meal! You actually outdid your self this time. The steak was cooked simply the best way I prefer it, the greens had been good and crisp and I do not suppose I’ve ever tasted cherry pie this scrumptious. I imply, how do you discover these eating places?!
Andy: Ask me how I discover your flattery…

[while day trading stocks online]: “These red numbers in parentheses mean I made money, right?”

Peter: Dad, cannot we simply order pizza?
Roger: [cooking at stove] Peter, your mom hasn’t been gone two days. If I order pizza, it is like falling by the wayside. No sir. I’m cooking us actual, range-high dinners, even when it kills me. [Stove spontaneously bursts into flames, searing Roger].
Peter: Do you, like, rehearse these items, or what?
Roger: [holding up a wad of money] OK, OK – no anchovies, although…

Jason: [playing chess] Check.
Roger: Huh?
Jason: Check.
Roger: But you have not even moved a bit but!
Jason: Check.
Roger: Jason, that is not attainable!
Jason: Let me make clear: my cost, please.
Roger: [writing check] You know, most children play chess with their fathers without cost.

Roger: [shopping for a Christmas tree] “Sold.” “Sold.” “Sold”… “Sold”… “Sold”… “Sold”… Aarg! I simply knew I ought to have achieved this final weekend! Oh, wait! That little tree over there is not offered but… Noooooooooo!
Linus: Sorry, mister.
Charlie Brown: [walking away with the tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas] You snooze, you lose!

Andy: Roger, that toupee is probably the most ridiculous factor I’ve ever seen!
Roger: Bond. James Bond.
Andy: You look effective the best way you’re! I love the best way you look! All this does is make you look foolish and insecure! Can’t you see that?!
Roger: Here’s you, child.
Andy: Roger, take it again to the shop. Please? I’m begging you.
Roger: Frankly, my pricey, I do not give a rattling. [Andy stuffs the toupee in his mouth.] Wha wa da fuh?

Roger: Wow. We did a fairly good job on the ol’ turkey this yr. Did we end all of the stuffing too? Holy cow. I do know we ate quite a bit, however I did not suppose we’re all of it! And the mashed potatoes… And the creamed onions… And the cranberry sauce… They’re all gone? Hee hee – we actually had fairly a feast final night time, did not we?
Andy: You’re utilizing the royal “we”, I assume.
Roger: AAAA! Did we eat all of the pumpkin pie?!

Roger: Paige, I hear you baked cookies at present.
Paige: Yeah, however they did not end up very effectively.
Roger: That’s OK. Mind if I assist myself to a handful?
Paige: Are you positive? Nobody else wished even one.
Roger: Heck, I’ll take all of them if nobody else minds.
Paige: You’re so candy, daddy! I really like you!
[Later, Roger has put Paige’s cookies on his barbecue.]
Peter: I assumed we had been all out of charcoal briquettes.
Roger: Your mom directed me to a stash.

Peter: [to Jason] Fire. Blinded by the Light. Born to Run. Do you suppose Springsteen as soon as noticed Dad attempting to gentle charcoal?
Roger: [off panel] AAAA! I’m on fireplace! I’m on fireplace!

[Roger is grilling hamburgers on the barbecue; Andy looks and sees one is almost a hundred times larger than the others]
Andy: You let Peter assist make these, I’m guessing.
Roger: (rolls his eyes) Four hamburger patties and one hamburger Patton.

Roger: [reading a bank statement] Grow, little I.R.A…. develop with leaps and bounds and mighty strides… fulfill your future… let me retire into a lifetime of ease and luxury…
Andy: [rolling her eyes] It would possibly assist if our annual contribution was greater than $50.
Roger: Grow at a median 600 p.c fee of return…

Roger: It’s extra like this.
Peter: No, it is extra like this.
Roger: Your knees are too excessive.
Peter: No approach. Yours are approach too low.
Andy: What on Earth are you doing?
Roger: Trying to determine who does the higher Deion Sanders landing dance.
Peter: 1994-1995 version.
Roger/Peter: [singing and dancing] PRIIIIME TIIIIME… PRIIIIME TIIIIME… PRIIIIME TIIIIME…
[Panel showing Jason and Paige standing at the open front door.]
Jason: Does Mom all the time burn rubber like that on her solution to church?
Paige: Only every year.

Roger: [reading a brokerage statement] Capital loss… capital loss… capital loss… [to Andy] Do politicians nonetheless complain in regards to the capital positive aspects tax?
Andy: Some of them do, I’m positive, out of nostalgia.

Roger: [with clasped hands] I really like you. Madly. Passionately. With all my coronary heart.
Andy: [behind him, rolling her eyes] And I’m positive Charles Barkley appreciates it.
Roger: [gesturing at the TV] I imply, discuss clutch free-throws!

[Roger is watching TV.]
Newscaster: In different information, the Department of Homeland Security at present diminished the nation’s menace alert stage to an “all clear” Code Green. “It’s Saint Patrick’s Day. Green appeared acceptable,” mentioned a supply. When requested if this would possibly put residents in danger, given the state of affairs with Iraq and al Qaida, our supply scoffed on the suggestion. “It’s not like stores are going to stop selling duct tape.”
Roger: [looking into his glass] Dear, that is simply water, proper?

Roger: [visibly disturbed, as is Andy] Wasn’t there a time once we loved watching tv?

Andy: The faucet in our bed room sink is leaking. I known as the plumber.
Roger: Andy, have you ever gone nuts? Those guys cost $60 simply to stroll by the door! Let me take a crack at it first.
[He goes upstairs. A moment later, Andy hears the sound of a wrench turning, and then a loud snap.]
Roger: Whoops.
[He comes downstairs, holding a wrench and soaked from head to toe.]
Roger: (sheepish) Hey, at the least now it is a professional $60 job.
Andy: (face-palming) About me going nuts…

Andy Fox[edit]

Roger: Why’s Peter up on the roof?
Andy: He’s practising for “The Wall”.
Roger: The what?
Andy: It’s some occasion on “American Gladiators” the place you need to scale a 25-foot cliff in below a minute. He has this fantasy that he’ll be a contestant on the present.
[There is a “WHAM!” from outside, and they both wince.]
Roger: You imply, had a fantasy.
Andy: I assumed that, too, however he retains getting up.

Andy: [After Jason annoys Paige at breakfast] “Jason, how do you get Froot Loops inside your pants?”

Andy: Did I inform you Stephanie had a child lady?
Roger: I did not know she was anticipating.
Andy: [laughing] Helloooo! You noticed her final week! Did you suppose her abdomen simply caught out like that naturally?!
[awkward silence]
Andy: [face-palms] What’d you say to her?
Roger: [guiltily] I’d first wish to level out that “Jenny Craig” might be a quite common title…

Andy: Hot Water… Lots of Bubbles… Scented Oils… Soothing Music… Ahhh, What extra may an individual ask for in a shower? [Quincy’s head pops out of the bathwater] You know, Quincy, rhetorical questions do not should be answered.

Andy: Jane Eyre is 150 years outdated. Sleeping Beauty is 300 years outdated. The Mona Lisa is 500 years outdated. The Venus De Milo is 2,100 years outdated. Mother Earth is 4.6 billion years outdated!
Jason: to Paige] Have you seen how bizarre Mom will get round her birthday?
Andy: I’m barely over 40! A babe! A teenager!

Andy and Roger are watching a Caribbean sundown from their lodge room. It modifications colours, getting progressively darker, till it’s black
Screen: PLEASE SWIPE CREDIT CARD TO CONTINUE.
Roger: So our lodge room has a pay-per-view…
Andy: Next trip, you let me learn the brochure.

Roger: [After working tiredly on taxes for three days straight] Is it even attainable to signal tax kinds in a legally binding way of thinking?
Andy: [looks at the form] Who is “Roglp Jox”?

Andy: Kids, in case you have not seen, it is spring. And what do individuals do within the spring?
Peter: Play baseball.
Paige: Go purchasing.
Jason: Watch Simpsons reruns.
Andy: And?…
Peter: Hit dwelling runs.
Paige: Buy cool stuff.
Jason: Watch ’em once more on videotape.
Andy: They clear!
Peter: Whoa – I’m late for follow.
Paige: I advised Nicole I’d meet her at Macy’s.
Jason: Did I say The Simpsons? I meant Oprah.

Andy: Kids? What would you like for dinner tonight?
Peter/Paige/Jason: Take-out pizza!/Take-out Chinese!/Take-out Mexican!/Take-out barbecue!/Take-out sushi!/Take-out burgers!/Take-out rooster!
Andy: Let me rephrase that… what would you like me to make for dinner?
[Dead silence.]
Andy: …Kids?
Roger: Look at it this manner, Sweetie – loads of cooks work their complete lives attempting to earn a repute.
Andy: Thank you, Mr. Pick-Me-Up.

Andy: You is not going to consider what simply occurred! I used to be driving dwelling from the shop, and turning the nook onto our avenue, when abruptly, from out of nowhere, this different automotive zooms into the intersection, runs the cease signal, and completely cuts me off! I imply, he missed hitting me by this a lot! [makes a pinching motion with her fingers] This a lot! I am unable to inform you how indignant I’m! AAAARRRGGHH!
Roger: Honey, you’ll be able to’t let some maniac driver get to you want this.
Andy: This wasn’t just a few maniac driver, pricey.
Peter: [following Andy in] Mom, I can clarify…

Jason: Mom, I’ve bought excellent news and dangerous information.
Andy: Oh?
Jason: The excellent news is Dad’s not going to attempt to determine the taxes himself this yr.
Andy: Jason, that is not simply excellent news. That’s nice information. Incredible information. The type of information I’ve prayed to listen to each April for the final 19 years… what is the dangerous information?
Jason: He’s doing them on the pc.
Andy: [lowers her head to the table] Likewise, that is not simply dangerous information…
Roger: [entering] Are floppy disks imagined to snap in half like this?

Peter Fox[edit]

Peter: You should be the brand new lady everybody’s speaking about.
Denise: Word travels quick.
Peter: So, do you have got a boyfriend?
Denise: You should be the Peter Fox everybody’s speaking about.
Peter: [To himself] Some phrases journey too quick.

Peter: Well, goodbye “American Gladiators“.
Andy: What’s improper?
Peter: I damage my again.
Andy: Falling off the roof, I’ll guess.
Peter: No.
Andy: Lifting all these weights?
Peter: No.
Andy: Trying to do 50 one-finger push-ups?
Peter: No.
Andy: Crawling up the steps backward with a Nerf ball in your mouth?
Peter: Flexing in entrance of a mirror.
Andy: [wincing] Ouch.

Andy: [looking at Peter’s report card] Peter, your grades have dropped in practically each class!
Peter: It’s a fluke. A glitch. Statistical happenstance.
Andy: Look at this! English, B-… Math, B…
Peter: A momentary downturn. Nothing to get alarmed about.
Andy: Physics, B… French, C+…
Peter: But it is over. It’s come and gone. Things are A-OK now. Honest. Trust me.
Andy: American Government, A…
Peter: It’s a brand new quarter. Rebound City. Gonna shock everybody.

Andy: Peter, what would you like for lunch at present?
Peter: Oh gosh, I dunno…peanut butter and jelly could be good…bologna and cheese could be good…turkey…tuna…ham…salami…that egg salad you typically make…
Andy: So any of these?
Peter: No, no – all of these.
Andy: Did I point out I noticed our grocer take a look at-driving a Porsche final week?
Peter: [pouring out the final crumbs of a box of cereal] You know, these “family-sized” containers are grossly mislabeled.

Paige: [in car with Peter] Peter, you simply ran a purple gentle!
Peter: I didn’t. It was yellow.
Paige: It was purple!
Peter: Paige, I’m telling you, it was yellow!
[A car screeches to a stop and honks its horn. Paige and Peter scream.]
Peter: OK, now that gentle was purple.

[Throughout this Sunday strip, Peter keeps trying to go about the normal business of his school day, but Denise’s name keeps popping up in everything he sees. For example, in reading Robert Frost‘s The Road Not Taken, he reads: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the Denise.” The school lunch menu reads: “Today’s Entree: Denise with Tomato Sauce.” And Peter’s history test contains the question, “The Battle of Leningrad was fought in the winter of:” with choices: (A) “Denise,” (B) “Denise,” (C) “Denise,” and (D) “Denise.” At the end of the strip, we cut to Peter and Denise after school, cuddling under a tree.]
Peter: Denise, the following time you need us to sneak off and smooch after college, please do not inform me till after college.
Denise: So how’d your massive historical past take a look at go?

Peter: Rats. The fireplace went out. Paige, hand me that lighter fluid, will ya?
Paige: Peter, it says you are not imagined to squirt this onto scorching coals.
Peter: Yeah, yeah. They simply put that on there to guard themselves legally.
Paige: I believe it is on there so you do not blow your self up.
Peter: Look, Paige, I do know what I’m doing! You’re a woman. Girls do not know the very first thing about lighting a barbeque!
Paige: Fine. Do no matter you need. See what I care.
Peter: [squirts on the grill, which promptly explodes in a sky-high pillar of flames] YAAAAA!
Paige: You by no means stop to amaze me.
Jason: MY KITE!

Andy: I’d wish to know why a snowball simply got here crashing by one among our home windows!
Peter: It was Jason’s fault!
Jason: My fault?! It was his fault!
Andy: Since you can not seem to agree, I assume you each can clear up the mess and pay for a brand new window!
Peter and Jason: IT WAS PAIGE’S FAULT!

Teacher: OK, everybody, I’ve completed grading your exams. Mr. Fox…
Peter: A ’99!’ I GOT A ’99?!’ I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I’M GONNA OWN THIS SEMESTER!
Teacher: You’re holding it the wrong way up.
Peter: [sheepishly] Oh. Heh heh…
Teacher: People, this could be a very good time to debate the curve…

Cashier: May I take your order?
Peter: Yes, I’d like a burger, fries, and a root beer.
Cashier: Did you need a bun together with your burger?
Peter: Um, Yes.
Cashier: And did you need potato in your french fries?
Peter: How else?
Cashier: Did you say root beer? We haven’t got weight-reduction plan root beer.
Peter: I meant common root beer.
Cashier: Syd, I’ve a excessive-carb particular order coming by. It could be a couple of minutes-he must discover a bun.
Peter: This Atkins craze cannot finish quickly sufficient.
Customer: Can I trade this salad? It has a crouton.

Teacher: OK, class, this weekend I would like you to do Chapter One, issues 8-12, 15, 17, 19, 24, 25, 30-40 and 42. Peter, you have got a query?
Peter: Couldn’t you simply e-mail us this, so we would not should hassle writing all of it down?…
Steve: [later] Well, he actually simplified issues for you, Mr. E-Mail.
Peter: How am I imagined to do each downside within the ebook?!

Andy: Peter, what are you consuming?!
Peter: A microwave burrito.
Andy: NOW?!
Peter: Why not?
Andy: Dinner’s in 10 minutes!
Peter: So?
Andy: What do you imply “so”?!
Peter: {irritated} It does not take 10 minutes to eat a burrito, mother.

[after Peter burns himself up with the grill]
Roger: The script says I was supposed to do this.
Peter: Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

Teacher: Peter, about your paragraph on Thomas Edison
Peter: What about it?
Teacher: It’s a phrase-for-phrase copy of what is on Wikipedia. I anticipate you to do unique work.
Peter: Who’s to say I did not write the Wikipedia entry myself?
Teacher: Save the loopholes for legislation college, son.

[Lab explosion.]
Teacher: And to suppose I used to marvel if I used to be underpaid.
Peter: [sheepish] I take it we weren’t imagined to shake that vial that had the label that mentioned “DO NOT SHAKE”?
Steve: Egad! My pants are dissolving!

Jason: I can eat this dinner in six bites.
Peter: I can eat this dinner in 5 bites.
Jason: Four bites.
Peter: Three bites.
Jason: Two bites.
Peter: One chunk.
Jason: Eat that dinner.
Paige: (to Jason) I discover you all the time begin with a good quantity.
Peter: Mpghltz!
Andy: Peter, should we undergo this each night time?!

[Peter is watching television.]
Announcer: Coming up subsequent, it is the present that pits tv producers in opposition to one another in livid competitors! Watch as they every suggest newer and ever more unusual methods to pander to the viewing public’s voyeuristic impulses! At stake are tens of millions! Who will stroll away with it?! Whose present will land a community deal?! Find out on Reality Series: The Reality Series.
Peter: You simply knew it will come to this.

Peter: [with a baseball] This ought to break left… [pitches] This ought to break proper… [pitches] This ought to
Jason: [tied to a tree, with a bullseye taped to his chest] Okay, okay, possibly I did take a couple of pictures of you and Denise final night time.

[Peter’s English class receives its next assigned reading, Joseph Conrad‘s “Heart of Darkness”.]
Peter: [gasp] The horror! The horror!
Teacher: I’d offer you credit score for cleverness, Peter, if you happen to did not say that about each project.
Peter: Look how small the print is!

Paige: Peter, do you make New Year’s resolutions?
Peter: Nope.
Paige: How come?
Peter: It simply appears kinda pointless. You begin out with all these excessive hopes and expectations, however then ultimately actuality units in and all of it goes out the window. Then you are feeling depressed till the subsequent yr, once you principally do the very same factor once more. It’s an infinite cycle of failure, why hassle?
Paige: [rolling her eyes] This from a die-arduous Red Sox fan.
Peter: Hey, they’re successful it all this yr – you watch.

[Peter is working at a multiplex where Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace is showing in every single theater.]
Peter: That involves $13.75.
Jedi Kid #1: (waving his hand) I consider a greenback will be ample.
Peter: What?
Jedi Kid #1: (waving his hand) A greenback will be ample.
Jedi Kid #2: (waving his hand) He mentioned a greenback will be ample.
Peter: (face-palming) Guys, there is a actually lengthy line behind you.
Jedi Kid #1: Smart of them to rent individuals proof against Jedi thoughts tips.
Jedi Kid #2: (waving his hand on the line) Someone will lend us $12.75…

Peter: Ah, summer season trip!
Paige: Ah, summer season freedom!
Peter: Three months with none shackles!
Paige: Three months to do what we wish!
Peter: The world is ours to discover!
Paige: The world is ours to take!
Peter: [picks up remote] Let’s see what’s on TV.
Paige: I used to be going to say.

Paige Fox[edit]

[Paige is terrified of being asked to the school dance by Morton Goldthwait.]
Paige: [phone rings] If that is Morton Goldthwait on the cellphone, I’m not dwelling!
[Doorbell rings.]
Paige: If that is Morton Goldthwait on the door, I’m not dwelling!
[Toilet flushes.]
Paige: If that is Morton Goldthwait in our lavatory, I’m not dwelling!
Andy: [highly annoyed] Why do not you make it simple for us…
Paige: [creak] The attic!

Paige: [reading from Anthony and Cleopatra during an open audition for the play at school] “‘My defecation does begin to make a better life. ‘Tis paltry to be Caesar…’ Oops – I mean ‘desolation.'”
Director: This could also be a very good time to say that we’re additionally in search of stagehands…

Paige’s Short Story: “Having slayed the dragon, having killed the wicked troll, there was only one task now remaining for Sir Galahunk. That was to ask the princess for her hand in marriage. Of course, they’d only just met, but Galahunk wanted commitment. Galahunk wanted monogamy. And Galahunk knew he’d never find a better catch.”
Andy: Talk about your fairy tales…
Paige: That good, huh?

Paige: I do know I sound like a damaged CD, Mother, however I simply want I may have a spring break like they present on TV! I need to go someplace heat and moist, the place individuals go loopy!
Jason: [in ninja costume] Bad information, Mom. My ninja star punctured the new water heater.
Andy: Feel free to observe me into the basement, Paige.
Paige: I imply good loopy.

Paige: Mom, are you able to learn my ebook report?
Andy: I’d be blissful to, Paige.
Book Report:Ernest Hemingway‘s A Farewell to Arms is about zgwqolm and epxmhjdkav. The central character is Dgejhgp and the main themes are yqmnezxprb and tthja nwvkjd.”
Paige: [Handing Andy a pen] Feel free to repair any typos, by the best way.
Andy: Nice attempt.

Andy: How’s your French coming alongside?
Paige: Excuse me?
Andy: I requested how your French homework was coming alongside.
Paige: Excuse me?
Andy: Paige, do not you begin this nonsense, additionally.
Paige: My freedom homework is coming alongside effective.

iFruit: Welcome, Paige_Fox88. You have 21,752 new messages. [lists messages] “Purchase Jasonsoft’s Spam-Block Software!” “Purchase Jasonsoft’s Spam-Block Software!” “Purchase Jasonsoft’s Spam-Block Software!” …
Paige: [to Jason, drawing her fist back to punch him] Allow me handy-ship my 21,752 replies.
Jason: E-mail’s effective! Really!

Paige: Great. I’m sunburned. You know what which means, do not you?
Peter: You will not be capable of sleep.
Paige: Worse.
Peter: Down the highway, you are going to have wrinkly, leathery, prematurely aged pores and skin.
Paige: Worse.
Peter: You’ve elevated the chance of your growing pores and skin most cancers by one hundred pc.
Paige: No, I’m gonna PEEL! Ick!…
Peter: No!…

Paige: They say you’ll be able to inform the seasons by the constellations. But right here we’re about to enter a brand new college yr, and I do not see something suggesting that.
Peter: Imagine the massive dipper crammed with cafeteria glop.
Paige: Urpa Major. OK, that works.

[to the ice cream vendor, after she dashed out of her bedroom to meet him when she heard the tinkling of the vendor’s vehicle’s bell]: “Your title would not by any likelihood be Pavlov, wouldn’t it?”

Paige: [reading “Antony and Cleopatra”] “An argument that he is pluck’d, when hither he sends so poor a pinion of his wing, which had superfluous kings for messengers, not many moons gone by”?!?!?!? English literature my buns… This is Martian literature.
Jason: No, no – I’d acknowledge Martian.

Teacher: OK, Next?
Paige: [trying out for cheerleading] C’MON, TEAM, MAKE ‘EM FUME AND FUSS…SEND ‘EM HOME LOSERS IN THEIR LOSER PUS! – I imply bus.
Teacher: Next…

Paige: Nicole, test it out! We’ve bought 2nd interval Advanced English collectively!
Paige and Nicole: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! (pause) THEY PUT US IN ADVANCED ENGLISH! AAAAAAAA!

Roger: Paige, are you able to seize my pockets from the counter? I want my bank card quantity.
Paige: It’s 24050-1081-2243-01009. Expiration 06/02.
Roger: You know, for a lady who cannot keep in mind half her homework assignments…

Blizzerbund Software despatched Paige a beta copy of their new recreation, after Jason logged on as her.]
Jason: What do you imply you will not let me watch you play?!
Paige: The directions say to not present the Riviablo beta to anybody.
Jason: Paige, I do not suppose you perceive! I’ve been ready 4 years for this recreation to return out! The data that it is operating on our pc and I am unable to see it can kill me! I’ll burst on the seams! I’ll know ache like no human may probably endure!
[pause]
Jason: Or possibly the issue is that you simply do perceive.
Paige: [closes and locks her door] Well put.

Jason: What’s that?
Paige: It’s a letter from the president of Blizzerbund Software.
Jason: No approach! What’s it say? What’s it say?
Paige: “Dear Ms. Fox, thank you for your evaluation of our Riviablo CD-ROM beta. Per your suggestions, the final version of the game will have less violence, cuter monsters, and significantly easier puzzles. P.S. Thanks especially for the great idea to change the game’s title to ‘Happy Town.'”
[Later:]
Peter: I assumed they despatched you a type letter.
Paige: Oops. You’re proper. I need to’ve misinterpret it.
Andy: [off panel] Jason, will you cease bawling lengthy sufficient to inform me what’s improper?!

Mrs. O’Dell: Katie misbehaved greater than traditional this morning. So I advised her she will’t watch any TV or movies whilst you had been right here [babysitting]. You know, as her punishment.
Katie: Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues! Blue’s Clues!
Paige: Her punishment?

Paige: At least I bought paid [to babysit]. Can you think about having to take care of children without cost?
Andy: You’re asking me this?
Paige: Shoot, we’re out of aspirin. Who goes by these items so quick?

Mrs. O’Dell: Paige, you look a bit of drained. Are you positive you are as much as babysitting?
Paige: [half asleep] Don’t be foolish, Mrs. O’Dell. I’m effective. Your pillow and I’ll have a good time collectively.
Mrs. O’Dell: Pillow?
Paige: I imply couch. I imply mattress. I imply daughter.

Paige:My first last examination is over! The math class from hell is finito! I will not be needing these notes anymore. Woo-hoo! [tears up pages in binder]
Peter: You studied Macbeth in math class?
Paige: AAAA! Wrong binder! Get some tape!

Paige: I am unable to consider how trashy this discuss present is. It’s nothing however intercourse, vulgarity, deviancy and combating. It has not one redeeming worth. No considerate discussions…no good examples…nothing however pure, a hundred percent trash.
Andy: So why do you watch it?
Paige: I simply advised you.
[Later]
Jason: Any thought why Mom is exterior screaming?
Paige: [Cheering along with the audience on the talk show] HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!

Paige: Please can I am going see Interview with the Vampire??
Andy: No.
Paige: Pleeease can I am going see Interview with the Vampire??
Andy: No.
Paige: [bursting into tears] WAAAAAAAAAA! WHY NOT??
Andy: Because the film is rated ‘R’!
Paige: C’mon – I’m mature sufficient…
Andy: [holding up a tear-soaked paper] Jason, fetch me that sponge.

Jason: See, the Highlander is an immortal, which implies he cannot be killed.
Paige: Uh-huh.
Jason: …Unless he will get his head chopped off, which is why all of them carry swords below their coats.
Paige: And you really watch this present?!
Jason: What? – It’s cool!
Paige: Jason, that’s the most ridiculous and unbelievable premise for a TV present that I’ve ever heard of! I am unable to consider you purchase into this nonsense!
[Cut to Paige and Peter watching TV]
Paige: See, Billy and Allison had been going to get married, however then Billy married Brooke and Allison married Brooke’s dad.
Peter: Uh-huh.

Katie O’Dell: Pag!
Paige: Katie, did you simply say my title?
Katie O’Dell: Pag!
Paige: You did! You mentioned my title! Katie, sweetie, you are so cute! I am unable to consider you mentioned my title! This is one thing I’ll always remember!
Katie O’Dell: [Holding up a stuffed pig] Pag!
Paige: Not that I will not attempt to.

Paige: DIE, YOU STUPID LITTLE GOOMBA!!
Peter: Paige is taking part in Nintendo???
Andy: I believe she’s speaking to Jason.

[repeated line, when dreaming]: “Ooooo, Pierre…”

[Paige is doing her math homework.]
Math Textbook: “Farmer Bob wants to grow dates on 25 percent of his 118-acre farm.” … “Assuming that Train A heads west and Train B heads east, on what date will they…” … “If archaeologist Jones wishes to carbon date one-seventh the number of fossilized dates that archaeologist Smith has dated to date…”
Paige: I swear, this math ebook was written by a sadist.
Andy: Another Saturday night time of homework? Wow.

Paige: Your silly iguana chewed up my ebook report!
Jason: Oops.
Paige: It’s completely ruined! It’s in little scraps throughout my flooring! I assumed we had an understanding, Jason! I wished my math project chewed up! The ebook report I preferred!
Jason: He’ll do the following two without cost. How’s that?

Paige: I’m prepared for the dance. How do I look?
Andy: Beautiful!
Roger: Sensational!
Peter: Almost babe-like!
Jason: Hideous.
Paige: AAAA! DO I actually??

Paige: I’ve to put in writing this paper… I am unable to go to sleep… Must keep wake… Can’t fall… Can’t… fall… [begins to dream]
Frosty the Snowman: What? You had been anticipating Freddy Krueger?
Paige: Frosty! You’re actual!
Snoopy: You two go play – I’ll end this essay.

Paige: Oh, mom, I’ve simply had probably the most great dream! I used to be within the land of TV Christmas Specials! I met Frosty and Rudolph and Snoopy… It was so, so magical! I forgot all about that depressing English paper that is been ruining my temper!
Andy: You imply, the one you’ve got barely began and that is due in 14 hours?
Paige: Um… You’re a imply one, Mrs. Grinch.

Paige: Hey! My chocolate rabbit is hole! There’s nothing however air inside! It’s faulty!
Andy: I believe they’re imagined to be hole, Paige.
Paige: SAYS YOU!!
Jason: Can I’ve the Hershey Syrup once you’re achieved?

[baking Christmas cookies]: “I couldn’t find the baking soda, so I used Diet Pepsi. Is that OK?”

[Paige has two chocolate bunnies]
Paige: Betty the chocolate rabbit, I’d such as you to satisfy Ricky the chocolate rabbit.
Peter: Give it up, Paige. They aren’t going to breed.
Paige: A lady can dream, cannot she?

Paige: [singing while reading a magazine] Shop! In the title of loooove…
Peter: Stop, Paige! Stop! Stop, cease, cease, cease, cease!
Paige: [singing] Stop! In the title of loooove…
Peter: [covering his ears] No, cease singing!

Teacher: Greetings, class. Welcome to Freshman English. Various you have got inquired as to the type of grading curve I might be using with regard to check scores and essays. My reply is straightforward: “Never send to know for whom the bell curve tolls; it tolls for thee“.
[Dead silence]
Teacher: You know, if you happen to’d achieved the assigned studying, you’d suppose that was humorous.
(Paige, together with the remainder of the category, lets out a loud, pretend snicker.)

Paige: What are you doing?
Jason: Trying to steadiness a spoon on the tip of my nostril.
Paige: What on earth for?!
Jason: No cause.
Paige: That has bought to be the lamest, geekiest factor I’ve ever seen!
Jason: [succeeds] Ta-da!
[Later]
Peter: What on earth for?!
Paige: [trying to balance a spoon on the end of her nose] No cause.

Jason Fox[edit]

Jason: (dressed as “Iguanoman”) Could you please direct me to Earth?
Paige: This is Earth, you little geek!
Jason: Right. And I suppose you are going to inform me you are human.
Paige: Actually, I’m on the verge of going ape…

[Jason spends several long moments meticulously cleaning, calibrating, and finally loading his suction cup dart bazooka. He goes downstairs, takes aim at a napping Paige… then lowers it and goes into the kitchen.]
Jason: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.
Andy: Why, thanks, sweetie.

Jason: [Holding stocking] Wow! I am unable to consider dad bought me a Beavis stocking!
Peter: [Holding stocking] I am unable to consider dad bought me a Butthead one!
Peter and Jason: Hnnhuhhunnhuuhnnhunnmmhuuhnnhhnuhnmmm…
Paige: [covering her ears] They cannot consider it?!!??!
Roger: The woman on the retailer mentioned they had been fairly the craze.
Andy: Let me present you rage.

Roger: You’re nonetheless awake?
Jason: Mom mentioned I may learn in mattress.
Roger: Jason, it is virtually midnight! Everyone else is asleep! Can’t you do this earlier?
Jason: This is the one time Paige does not discover her diary is lacking.

Jason: [to Andy] MOM, PETER RENTED “GRAND ZOMBIE AUTO 3”! THE VIDEO GAME VOTED “MOST LIKELY TO SCAR CHILDREN” BY THE EDITORS OF GOOD PARENTING DIGEST! THE GAME CALLED “SICK,” “TWISTED” AND “DEEPLY, DEEPLY DISTURBING” BY A PANEL OF LEADING PSYCHOLOGISTS! THE GAME WITH FOUR TIMES THE VIOLENCE PER PIXEL THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE MARKET! AND HE’S BARELY LETTING ME PLAY IT AT ALL!
[Cut to Jason and Peter playing cards]
Jason: Why is it that once I inform on you, we each get in bother?
Peter: Go determine. And go fish.

Jason: [trick-or-treating, wearing a mask shaped like a computer monitor] A deadly exception ØE has occurred.
Neighbor: AAAA!
Jason: The present utility might be terminated.
Neighbor: AAAA!
Jason: Press any key to proceed.
Neighbor: [emptying entire bowl of candy into Jason’s trick-or-treat bag] Here! Take all of it! Just go away! Please!
Marcus: [dressed as Spider-Man] I want I’d considered dressing as a Blue Screen of Death.
Jason: [looking at the candy in his bag] I really feel like I ought to ship Microsoft a few of this.

Jason/Marcus: Trick-or-deal with!
1st Neighbor: AAAA!
Jason/Marcus: Trick-or-deal with!
2nd Neighbor: AAAA!
Jason/Marcus: Trick-or-deal with!
third Neighbor: AAAA!
[walking down the street, they look at their costumes, consisting of T-shirts with I.R.S. Audit Team” on them.]
Marcus: I’ve to confess, I used to be skeptical when your dad first prompt these costumes.
Jason: I positive hope Old Man McCreery was simply faking these chest pains…

Peter: This silly fly is driving me loopy!
Jason: Wait! Don’t kill it. I all the time attempt to catch flies alive if I can.
Peter: So you’ll be able to allow them to go exterior?
Jason: So I can allow them to go in Paige’s room.

Jason’s Voice on the Answering Machine: (CLICK) You’ve reached the Fox residence. Please depart your title and quantity on the beep. But first, a tune: [starts singing] One million bottles of beer on the wall, 1,000,000 bottles…
[Caller hangs up without leaving a message. Later on Andy and Roger return home]
Roger: No messages once more! Are you positive this factor is not damaged?
Andy: Jason mentioned it was working effective.

Andy: Whatcha doing?
Jason: Writing a letter to Santa Claus.
Andy: The massive man himself, eh?
Jason: I determine it is value a shot. I imply, I’ll acknowledge there is not any proof he exists, but when he does, and I did not write this, I’d be lacking out on one heck of a possibility.
Andy: So what’s it say?
Jason: It’s only a easy little observe. Nothing you would be excited by.
Andy: [reaching for letter] Oh, come on – let me see.
Jason: [holds note away from Andy] Uh…
Andy: [reading note] “Dear Fatso, I want no presents. Sincerely, Paige Fox.”
Jason: Hey – I wished to have a merry Christmas. What can I say?

Jason: Lard Butt.
Paige: Go away.
Jason: Zit Kisser.
Paige: Go away!
Jason: Maggot Breath.
Paige: GO AWAY!
Marcus: The rattlesnakes are OK, however what I actually like is the expression on little PJ’s face.
Jason: I had assistance on that one…

Jason varieties the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb” into the phrase processor as “Marry hat hey lid tell lam, ids fleas woes wide has know.” He runs the spell checker, which finds no errors.
Jason: [To Peter] If you ever need to really feel superior to a pc…

“Can you consider it? I’m going to return to high school [with a Garfield binder] and everybody’s gonna suppose I’m some drippy nerd. Maybe if I put on my Wrath of Khan T-shirt…”

Jason: Hey Paige, test it out – I made a snowman that appears identical to you!
Paige: And so conveniently in the midst of the road.
Jason: Oh, look – right here comes a plow…

Jason: I needed to paint [this model rocket] 4 occasions to get the precise shade of white the Apollos had. I did not neglect a single element. [launches rocket]
Peter: Except possibly for the parachute.
Jason: AAAA!

Jason’s Voice on the Answering Machine: (CLICK) Hello and welcome to the Jason Fox Hotline-Your 24-hour supply for all issues Jason. For breakfast at present, I had Cheerios and-
[Later…]
Roger: Why does everybody sound so darn grouchy on this factor?
Jason: Must be the tape.

Jason: [golfing]
Roger: Just yell “fore,” son.

Jason: Hey, Paige, would you want me to repair you a P.B. and J. sandwich?
Paige: Define P.B. and J.
Jason: Peanut butter and jelly.
Paige: Just checking. Sure.
(Later:)
Jason: [To himself] Okay, so technically I neglected a comma…
Paige: [Gagging] BLECCH! What’s IN this?? Margarine??

Jason: Mom, can Marcus sleep over tonight?
Andy: It’s OK with me if it is OK together with your father.
Jason: Dad, can Marcus sleep over tonight?
Roger: It’s OK with me if it is OK together with your mom.
Jason: [On the phone, reading a massive book titled “Logic”] Marcus, are you continue to there?…

Jason: [playing football] Hutt one…hutt two…hutt three…level 141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628
034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701
93852110555964462294…um…4…um…whose thought was it to hike the ball on pi once more?
Marcus: Yours. Now hold going.

Andy: Jason, please – I’ve to go begin dinner.
Jason: This’ll solely take a second. Which do you suppose works higher for Halloween – having these pretend intestines spilling out of my abdomen or dangling from my mouth?
Andy: I assume dinner can wait.
Jason: In that case, let me additionally ask you about these glue-on boils…

All your base are belong to us!

iFruit: Welcome to iFruit. Hug me.
Jason: Never.
iFruit: I ought to remind you that I’ve all of your Doomathon III saved video games on my arduous disk and no floppy drive to make backups. It could be a disgrace if in some way some crucial bits bought flipped within the knowledge….
Jason: Suddenly it is clear to me why you are made with bullet-proof plastics.

Peter: What are you ?
Jason: Wikipedia. It’s this completely cool on-line encyclopedia that lets customers replace and edit its info. It’s the best factor. Watch. Pretend you need to find out about warthogs.
Peter: Is {that a} image of our sister?
Jason: Now let’s fake you need to find out about rabies…

Paige: I hold forgetting, what is the cosine of 60 levels?
Jason: Well, let’s have a look at…if I recall appropriately…

(π/3)1818!+(π/3)2020!(π/3)2222!(π/3)2424!+(π/3)2626!(π/3)2828!+(π/3)3030!(π/3)3232!{displaystyle {frac {(pi /3)^{18}}{18!}}+{frac {(pi /3)^{20}}{20!}}-{frac {(pi /3)^{22}}{22!}}-{frac {(pi /3)^{24}}{24!}}+{frac {(pi /3)^{26}}{26!}}-{frac {(pi /3)^{28}}{28!}}+{frac {(pi /3)^{30}}{30!}}-{frac {(pi /3)^{32}}{32!}}}

Paige: In case you’ve got forgotten, I’m not paying you by the hour.
Jason: 1/2.

“I knew we should’ve gone with the ten-quart hats instead.”

Roger: Who retains drawing these antennae on Beetle Bailey?
Andy: Doubtless the identical one that’s been drawing shells on the children in “Peanuts“.
Peter: And laces on the chicken in “Shoe“.
Paige: And thorns throughout “Rose is Rose“.
Jason: [thinking] The Mad Literalist strikes once more.

Jason’s Voice on the Answering Machine: (BEEP) To depart a message for Jason, press “1.” To depart a message for Peter, press “2.” To depart a message for Paige, press “666.”
(Later…)
Andy: I discovered the rationale for our minister’s bizarre cellphone message.
Roger: That fireplace and brimstone factor?

Jason: I set your E-Lynchity brokerage account up so you’ll be able to commerce on margin.
Roger: What’s that imply?
Jason: It means you should buy shares galore with borrowed cash, and after the shares shoot up, you pocket the earnings. It’s foolproof!
Roger: Unless the shares go down, that’s.
Jason: Stocks can go down?
[Later:]
Roger: (on the cellphone) Hello, E-Lynchity? Is there somebody I may communicate with who was born earlier than the 90’s?
Jason: I’m telling you, Dad, shares do not go down.

[in response to his mom buying an iFruit computer] “iThink iWill bSick.”

[Chatting with Sgt. Neelie (Eileen Jacobson) in an online World of Warquest game. Eileen doesn’t know she’s talking to Jason – or, at least, Jason thinks Eileen doesn’t know.]
Jason: So inform me extra about this Jason at your college.
Eileen: Gosh, the place to start… He’s annoying… He’s immature… He’s as dweeby as may be… Why would you need to hear about such a painful little twit?
Jason: Er, only a masochist, I assume.
Eileen: Imagine Gollum with glasses…

[Jason and Marcus are watching a home video on the TV.]
Jason’s Voice on Tape: If Roger Fox can sink this putt, he’ll make his first par in six weeks. It’s a easy two-footer. Uphill. No break. [tap] Oh, my. He’s left it brief. Let’s zoom in and get a very good have a look at that face…
Jason: And individuals suppose watching good golf is entertaining.
Marcus: Skip to the outlet the place he throws you and the digital camera within the lake.

Jason: Well, let’s have a look at what’s within the ol’ lunchbox at present…a pack of Twinkies, a pack of Twinkies, and one other pack of Twinkies. Mm-mmm.
Marcus: How’d you handle that?
Paige: [separate scene] Since when do I get two sandwiches and an apple?
Peter: Since when do I get two apples with my sandwich?

Paige: [eating sandwich at school] EWWWWW!
Andy: [separate scene, drinking tea with a friend] I’m not kidding-He wished peanut butter and mayonnaise.
Jason: [eating lunch with Marcus] …So then I switched baggage…

Jason: Mom, what are you doing?!
Andy: Taking away this online game cartridge, for starters.
Jason: But you’ll be able to’t! I purchased it with my Christmas cash! It’s mine!
Andy: Jason, I advised you two weeks in the past that I did not need Mortal Karnage II coming into this home. You have nobody in charge however your self.
Jason: But…however…
Andy: You’re too younger for this type of factor. I imply, have a look at what it teaches: that human disembowelment is leisure…that “winners” decapitate their enemies…that carnage is spelled with a “K”…
Jason: I do know carnage is not spelled with a “K”.
Andy: The unhappy half is, that is the least of my considerations.

[Unbeknownst to Paige, Jason, carrying a tape recorder, holds up a microphone to Paige as she talks on the phone.]
Paige: Mr. Vivona says we’ve got to chop three newspaper articles out for Social Studies each day this week, and the one pair of scissors I’ve is like completely boring.
[Cut to Jason cutting, pasting and re-splicing bits of Paige’s dialogue on the computer.]
Paige’s Voice [as Jason plays back file]: “I cut Social Studies every day this week. Mr. Vivona is totally dull.”
Jason: I’m wondering what little brothers did again within the days earlier than computer systems.
Marcus: I believe it’s best to blackmail Paige, then play it to your mother anyway.

“It’s unbelievable! The Cartoon Network is operating live-action sitcoms now! They’re the Cartoon Network! They’re supposed to run cartoons! How can they get away with this?! It’d be like a news network running stuff besides news!”

[playing World of Warquest]
I am Glog Malblood, Orc of Centurion!!! Prepare to face my wrath, puny night elf!!! Just don’t touch me. I’m not sure this armor protects me from cooties.”

Jason’s Voice on Answering Machine: “Hello. You’ve reached the Fox residence. To leave a message, press the square root of 1,296 minus the cube root of 13,824 times 17.5 minus the 4th root of 1,908,029,761. Sorry. Time’s up. Goodbye.” [Click]
Roger: I’ve found out what is the matter.
Andy: With the answering machine, or our son?

Jason: (pacing in entrance of the TV, crying) Waa! Waa! Waa!
Andy: I’m beginning to suppose Nintendo misnamed the Wii.
Roger: Jason, ready till Christmas will not kill you!

Andy: What’s that?
Jason: A petition signed by all of my classmates. They’re demanding you let me play World of Warquest these final two weeks of faculty.
Andy: Jason, I would like you to do your greatest on last exams. If you play that recreation, it is not going to occur. Your classmates understand this. Why do not you?
Jason: Hmm. That would clarify all of the repeat signatures.

Jason: [playing a home version of Jeopardy] I’ll take “Monster Monikers” for $100, Alex.
Marcus: “She-Beast. Leviathan. Hell-Demon.”
Jason: Again, who’s Paige?
Marcus: Correct. And you’ve got run the class.
Peter: Um, talking of operating…
Paige: [shouting angrily as she reads from the dictionary] “Jeopardy: Exposure to or imminence of death, loss or injury…”

“Hello, FBI? I was wondering if you could send me some information about becoming an X-Files agent. You know, like in the TV show. The people who investigate things like UFOs and alien encounters and- Hello? Hello, are you there? They keep hanging up on me. Darned conspiracy of silence.”

Jason: [wants to buy additional strings of Christmas lights to spell out this message to airplanes flying overheard from the roof:] “Have fun finding your luggage and making connections in this weather! Ha ha ha!” Right now I’ve solely bought sufficient for one “Ha.”
Andy: You know the way, sometimes, you examine an airplane dumping its gasoline?

Andy: What time did you get dwelling final night time?
Jason: 12:18.
Andy: Isn’t that later than we agreed?
Jason: Yes.
Andy: What had been you doing?
Jason: Holding palms on the entrance porch with some boy for a half-hour.
Andy: Jason, I’m speaking to you sister.
Paige: I want you’d discuss to him.
Jason: Ask her what she did to my digital camera…

Peter: How was your milk?
Jason: Fine. How was your milk?
Peter: Fine. Your’s did not style a bit of, oh… salty?
Jason: No. Should it have?
Peter: Well, contemplating that I emptied half the saltshaker in it…
Jason: I switched glasses whilst you had been within the kitchen.
Peter: I figured you’ll, so I put the salt in my glass.
Jason: I considered that, so I switched ’em once more.
Peter: I noticed you. I switched ’em again.
Jason: I knew you noticed me, so I solely pretended to change ’em.
Peter: Liar – you drank the salt!
Jason: No siree – my milk was lip-smacking good.
Andy: What are you two arguing about?!
Peter: We have to know which one among us ought to be throwing up proper now.
Jason: Let’s see… I switched ’em, then you definately switched ’em…
[Paige is choking on her milk]
Roger: Paige, what’s improper?

Jason: Marcus… World Eight… dungeon… BowserPrincess… He did it! AAAAA!
Andy: …Roger, examine the date on that milk carton.
Jason: He known as me “Goomba-Boy”.

AAAA! Quincy – you chewed up my sweater! BAD iguana! BAD, BAD, BAD iguana! BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD iguana! Wait a minute – this is Paige’s sweater. Semi-bad iguana…”

Jason: Let’s see… Is there something our snow fort is lacking? We’ve bought a titanium shell… nuclear-tipped cruise missiles… an intruder-alert radar system… grenade launchers… a computerized command heart…
Paige: [off panel] Try snow, you little geeks!
Jason: Sound-proof partitions…
Marcus: Maybe some guard canines?…

Jason: [dressed in green leprechaun’s hat, holding a bubble pipe in one hand and a walking stick in the other] Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Pappy!
Roger: It’s good to see you within the St. Patrick’s Day spirit, son.
Jason: I’m glad to listen to you say that. Later I’ll be donning a Notre Dame jersey and performing chosen jigs from Riverdance whereas whistling the Irish Spring cleaning soap jingle, whereas tossing Lucky Charms cereal into the air after dyeing my complete physique inexperienced, all out in entrance of the home so the entire neighborhood can watch. Unless you had been to, say, elevate Mom’s ban on video video games and glue me to the tv…
Roger: I can see why so many individuals head for bars at present.

Jason: Hey, Paige – what would you like for Christmas?
Paige: I dunno. New sun shades… a watch… a leather-based jacket… why?
Jason: I’m attempting to determine what to ask Santa for for Christmas.
Paige: So what’d you ask what I need?
Jason: I need to get the anti-matter variations of your presents. That approach, once they come into contact with your stuff, it will all blow up. Haven’t you ever seen “Star Trek”? Now, then, was a selected type of sun shades you wished?
Paige: Tell me, do you are available in an anti-matter model?

Jason: Mom, can I take advantage of your pc for some time?
Andy: Why?
Jason: Well, to assist Santa out, I’ve made a graph of my “goodness” over the previous 11 months and I believe it might be simpler if I rendered it with the pc. Somehow, crayon does not fairly minimize it.
Andy: Can I see?
Jason: Essentially, I depict my yr as a fluctuation between “very, very good” and “amazingly good” with a coupla spikes pertaining to “None Better.” You know the saying “Computers don’t lie”? I imply, that is only a saying, proper?
Andy: You do not thoughts if I add at present’s knowledge level, do you?

Andy: What’s this?
Jason: [hands Andy a long scroll of paper] My Christmas record.
Andy: Jason, it is October! Why are you giving me this now?!
Jason: This approach you may have extra time to barter a second mortgage.
Andy: How considerate.
Jason: [hands Andy a magnifying glass] I wrote kinda small. This would possibly assist.

Andy: What are you doing?
Jason: Composing digital music. This first tune I name “Zero.” This second one I name “One.” Naturally, I’ll maintain the copyrights to each. Now anytime the document business releases a CD, it will represent a number of billion cases of music piracy and I can sue them for trillions!
Andy: Remind me to maintain you out of legislation college.
Jason: Ah, to dwell in America.

Jason is abruptly up on the ceiling. He strikes round and surprises everybody. Jason returns to actuality, the place he and Paige have untied balloons.
Jason: [high voice] This is all helium does to you? It makes your voice humorous?
Paige: [high voice] Of course, what did you take note of?

Jason: (getting ready to throw a soccer) Go deep.
Marcus: How can free will coexist with divine pre-ordination?
Jason: (thinks a second) Too deep.
Marcus: If Batman died, would the Joker be blissful?

Jason: [on Christmas morning] Yaaaa! A “Street Kombat II” recreation cartridge! This is the one I actually wished! Oh, thanks, Thank you! Thank you! Vidgamer Digest gave this cartridge its highest ranking ever! It’s imagined to be superb! In this one spherical, you get to struggle one another with rusty chainsaws! Marcus says they used SGI workstations to render the blood splatters in 3-D! For six months all I’ve dreamed about is proudly owning this online game cartridge and now I’ve bought it! I’m the happiest child alive! This is what Christmas is all about. [pause] I imply, you recognize, aside from all that different stuff.
[Andy scoops Jason up with one arm and her purse with the other. Both are still wearing their bathrobes.]
Andy: Jason and I might be at church if anybody wants us.
Roger, Peter or Paige: In your pajamas?
Jason: What makes you suppose they’re even open at present?

Paige: Have you considered a New Year’s decision?
Jason: Actually, sure, I’ve. I’m resolving to be your new greatest good friend. Beginning Sunday, we’ll be inseparable. When you watch TV, I’ll watch TV. When you go to the mall, I’ll go to the mall.
Paige: If you even suppose of following me to the mall…
Jason: …And once you say issues like that, I’ll simply say, ‘I really like you, sis.'”
Paige: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Peter: I assumed your decision was to drive Paige nuts.
Jason: So I began a bit of early.

Roger: Son, how do I program the VCR to document one thing later?
Jason: Well, let’s have a look at… you begin by urgent a number of of the buttons on the entrance at random… then you definately toggle the facility swap on and off for a few minute… then you definately take a clean tape and put it in the wrong way up… then you definately choose up the distant management and simply type of stare at it for some time.
Roger: (rolling his eyes) Correction: how ought to I program the VCR to document one thing later?
Jason: Can I at the least do the half the place you get down in your knees and pray?

Paige: Is there a solution to make emojis look completely different on different individuals’s telephones?
Jason: What do you imply?
Paige: There’s this boy in school that I like, however I’m frightened that if I ship him a textual content message stuffed with kissy-face and coronary heart emojis, it will scare him off. It’d be nice if there have been some solution to have all my hearts and kissy-faces turn into one thing tamer, like plain smileys, once they get to his cellphone.
Jason: If you need him to see plain smileys, why not simply textual content him plain smileys?
Paige: (throwing her arms up in exasperation) Because he is cute and I need to textual content him hearts and kissy-faces! Duh!
[Later]
Jason: (face-palming) Be trustworthy: when hormones hit, my mind’s gonna flip to mush, is not it?
Roger: (grimacing) I want I had excellent news for you, son…

[Jason is piloting a motorized AT-AT model across a snow-covered yard.]
Jason: Begin your assault, General Veers. / Yes, Lord Vader. /Distance to the facility generator? / One-seven decimal two-eight. / Target! Maximum firepower!
[He imitates the sound of a laser firing… before his model is demolished by a…]
Jason: The Rebels on Hoth didn’t throw snowballs!
Marcus: [standing behind a snow replica of the power generator] Obviously, they ought to have.

Denise Russo[edit]

Denise: So, are you gonna assist me discover my class, or what?
Peter: Oh. Sure.
Denise: Algebra II. Room 202. It works greatest if you happen to put your arm round me.
[Peter walks Denise to her class with his arm around her.]
Denise: [to herself] Works each time.

Eileen Jacobson[edit]

Eileen: Look at that Mandy Berwick. She thinks she’s so cool, so fairly, so in style. [calls out] Zero matches on Google, Mandy! Zero!
Jason: You inform her, Eileen.

The iFruit[edit]

“Welcome to iFruit. Hug me.”

iFruit: Salutations! You’ve bought missives!
Jason: What?
iFruit: Epistles! Billets! Post! … Mail.
Jason: I knew it might be a mistake placing a thesaurus in your arduous drive.
iFruit: Ready to bodyboard the World Wide Reticulation?

iFruit: Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam…Lovely Spam…Wonderful Spam…
Peter: A “Monty Python” e-mail consumer?
Jason: You knew it was only a matter of time.
iFruit: Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am…Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am…

iFruit: This audio CD is unplayable.
Peter: But I simply purchased it.
iFruit: I’m sorry. I am unable to play this.
Peter: Don’t inform me that is a type of silly new “copy-protected” CDs that will not work in a pc! Curse you, document labels! Curse you straight to Hades!
iFruit: No, no – I simply draw the road at taking part in Vanilla Ice.
Peter: But he is “V-Ice” now…

iFruit: You’ve bought mail!
Andy: Oh, pleasure.
iFruit: Hold on. Neither Net congestion nor dropped packets nor router failure nor contaminated attachments stays this courier from the swift completion of his appointed rounds, and all I get is “Oh, joy”?! Whatever occurred to “Thank you”?! … Or did you not need these 7,526 messages from the XXX-Hot Psychic Mortgage Corporation?

External hyperlinks[edit]

Wikipedia


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